 Orchestra jokes
Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
1. Everyone should play the same piece.
2. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not.
3. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. This way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
4. Take your time turning pages.
5. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note and vice versa.
6. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who got lost.
7. If a passage is difficult, slow down. Obviously. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
8. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say: 'I think we should tune up again'.
9. Happy are they who have not got perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music shall be theirs.
10. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
11. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. However, a wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
12. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes that you have left.
(thanks to cello Micki - explains a lot!)
Violin jokes
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Viola jokes
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why is a violist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Cello jokes
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Double bass jokes
Q: Why did the double bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the double bass player which one.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Trumpet jokes
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, 'I could do that better'.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
French Horn jokes
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Trombone jokes
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Tuba jokes
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
Flute/Piccolo jokes
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
Oboe jokes
Q: How do you get two oboes in tune?
A: Shoot one of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Cor Anglais jokes
Q: What's the name of a good Cor Anglais player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.
Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing a Cor Anglais?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Bassoon jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
A: A bassoon; there's more wood!
Clarinet jokes
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.
Percussion jokes
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.
and finally… Conductor jokes
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
.
|
